Hurt
by SpnH50Sg
Summary: Sam realizes his mistake. bit of a dark Fic.


'_Then get in the truck and just go.'_

'_You're being an idiot. Don't make the same mistake I did'_

'_You might want to talk to her. You know, about, whatever.'_

'_Ask me to stay.'_

'_Want to try being normal together?'_

'_Everything goes back to normal.'_

'_Will you be my best man?'_

'_BANG! BANG!'_

'_Andy'_

'_McNally!'_

_Just go. Just go. Just go._

Sam flew up gasping for air as the words still rung in his mind. He ran. From her. His heart was still pounding in his ears as his nightmare came back in clear pictures.

Her heartbroken face as she told him to leave. He did.

Callaghan's regretful eyes as he warned him not to make the same mistake. He is.

Oliver's face as he tells him just by looking that his feelings are out there, plain and simple for everyone to see. He never told her.

Andy's sad little smile as he throws her words back at her, hoping she'll say yes.

The pain that settles in his chest as he sees her putting on her shirt signifying everything going back to normal.

His best friend getting married to hers. Happy and alive.

Andy as she falls to the ground when hit by a bullet he couldn't stop no matter how fast he ran.

The love in his eyes as they make love.

The pain in hers as he lashes out.

'STOP IT!'

He screams out, knowing no one will hear him, and that it won't stop the thoughts through his head. He feels sick and tired. He's stuck between a rock and a hard place. He knows he made a mistake letting her go, making her leave, shutting her out.

And suddenly it's crystal clear. The sick feeling goes away, his head clears and suddenly he just knows. He loves her. He needs her. He made a huge mistake and he needs to fix it. NOW!

He jumps from the bed and pulls on his jeans and a shirt he left lying around after yet another night of too many drinks in the Penny. He's out the door before he pulls the fabric down completely and as his truck leaves the driveway a sound of squealing tires can be heard.

Andy is lying on her bed, counting the cracks in the ceiling. She knows she should probably be asleep by now but there are too many thoughts going through her head, and her bed feels empty. She doesn't even notice the tears falling down her cheeks anymore. They've become a permanent fixture.

She's rudely awakened by a banging on her door. She jumps off the bed and grabs a sweater from the chair next to her bed and moves to the door. Instinctively she knows who's on the other side, but she checks anyway, then unlocks the bolts, not sure if she really should but knowing she wants to.

They stare at each other for a long time, drinking the other in. She realizes he looks like crap. His hair is all over the place. His eyes a red and bloodshot as if he's been crying and he smells of scotch and aftershave. She misses that smell.

Suddenly he's in her arms and she holds on to him for dear life as he is with her. His first sob surprises her, but not as much as it probably should. That first sob gives way to more and he clings to her like a drowning man to a buoy in a raging ocean. She just holds him and soon they are sitting in the middle of the hallway clinging to each other. Suddenly he starts to talk as she listens.

'I'm sorry, so sorry. I don't want to leave, I just… I can't… Jerry and… Please… Just… don't leave _me_.'

She doesn't have a clue what he is trying to say but she catches on as she hears his plea at the end. And suddenly she realizes he's just as terrified as she is of people leaving. She has been left alone her whole life, first her mom, then her dad, now Luke and others in between. But he has been left behind as well. First his dad, then Sarah and now Jerry. He's afraid to lose her. He's pushed her away, because it's easier to leave than to be left.

'It's ok, I'm here. I'm here.'

They don't say anything for long time but he calms down and just holds her as tight as she is holding him, drawing strength from each other.

'Sam.'

She pushes him away a bit and she looks into his eyes. She raises her hand to his cheek and makes sure he is really seeing her. Then she sticks out her hand and stands. He's looking at her from his position on the floor and he takes her hand without hesitation, without question. Complete and utter trust. His partner, his love. She pulls him up and she leads him to her bed. She lies down and pulls him down with her. She guides his head to her chest and tangles her fingers in his hair massaging his scalp. He sighs and curls up next to her, entwining their legs and holding her close with an arm around her waist.

'I miss him.'

Andy doesn't say anything. Knowing it will only make him close up again. She just continues her ministrations of his scalp and rubs his back as if he were a small boy.

'He was always there for me and now he's gone. He's gone and… And all I can think of, is that I am so glad it wasn't you.'

He started sobbing again although she couldn't really hear it. Just the heaving of his shoulders and the tears leaking through her shirt.

'I feel so guilty all the time.'

She focussed her attention on the random patterns she was drawing on his back, hoping it was giving him the comfort he needed.

'It hurts Andy, so much. I can't breathe and knowing it could have been you… I don't think I can live with that.'

'It wasn't me Sam, I'm here. You loved him and yes it hurts, but he wouldn't want you to blame yourself, it wasn't your fault. It happened and it's allowed, _you're_ allowed to be hurt.'

She could have said more, but there was nothing to say that would make him feel better, only bitter conciliations that would never be able to bring Jerry home.

It was silent again for a long time. But she knew he wasn't asleep. His hand had joined hers in making patterns, only on her back.

'I'm sorry I left.'

She took a moment to collect her thoughts. Sure she had been angry, she had needed him and he ran. But she also understood and anger wouldn't help him right now.

'I know why you did it. I understand Sam, better than you might think. It's easier to walk away than to be left. Still hurts just as much though.'

He was silent a while longer and she wondered if he had heard her. Wondered if he understood he had hurt her but also himself by leaving.

'I love you Andy.'

Almost a year together and he had never uttered those words, but she knew them to be true. She could see it as he lifted his head from her chest and looked into her eyes. Right there and then the world consisted of just him and her and the love they knew was real between them.

'I love you, and I will tell you every day from now on. If you'll let me.'

She knew what he was asking and she felt the tears in her eyes. She leaned forwards and as her lips barely touched his she said:

'I'm not going anywhere.'

That night, two people found each other. A love broken was remade and blessed by a friend passed, who watched them from above.

AN: Just a one-shot that came to me after seeing S03E11. Still working on Cooking Class and Frustration, but am a little stuck so might take a few days. Review please.


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